Mr. Frank Barnes
Director, IT
Global Foods
123 Market Street
Youngstown, OH 12345

Dear Frank:

Thank you for arranging yesterday's meeting. I believe it was time well spent for both Global Foods and Continental Computer. We think Continental Computer can provide the data integration capabilities you need.

Because you use several hardware/operating system environments, it is difficult for you to integrate data from several distribution centers and from companies that Global Foods recently acquired. Your staff does not know how to use the various systems. Thus you cannot make data from different locations available to each other, or even make the data available to users. The data centers all operate with a large backlog of outstanding user requests. You need to institute a company-wide information system without changing existing key applications.

Based on my knowledge to date, I would like to suggest a demonstration and options for further exploration of Continental Computer. If convenient, Robert McCarthy, our local consultant, can conduct this demonstration at our offices at 2 p.m. on January 16. It would be useful for Jack Lanham, your VP of Finance, to attend the meeting. Our understanding is that he is not happy with current inventory cost controls.

Talk it over with Jack. Please call me next week to let me know if you can attend our demonstration.

Best regards,

Barbara Watson

Barbara Watson 

Notes

No subject line

Omitting the subject line decreases the likelihood that the reader will read this message; he will have no idea what the message is about.

No visual design to guide the reader

With no headlines labeling content, the reader must read every word of the text. If both parties need to discuss the message, it will be awkward to refer to information.

Negative tone

The writer is trying to convince the reader that Continental Computer is a good company to work with. Using negative words undermines a user-friendly tone.

Primary need buried

The main point is hidden, so the reader is likely to miss it entirely. Even simple messages should begin with a clear "bottom-line" statement.

Lacks reader focus

The writer focuses on herself and her own company rather than on her reader's needs.

Meeting details lost in text

The meeting details don't stand out. If the reader glances back at the message, he will have to read all of the text to find the meeting information.

Next steps not highlighted

Action steps are listed near the very end and are less likely to be read. Even if the reader gets that far, his attention has probably declined after the first couple of paragraphs.

Mr. Frank Barnes
Director, IT
Global Foods
123 Market Street
Youngstown, OH 12345

Subject: Solving your data integration difficulties

Dear Frank:

Thank you for your interest in Continental Computer. This letter summarizes my understanding of our meeting and of our action plan.

Critical issue: integrating data from several sources
In our discussion, you told me about your critical issue: your difficulty integrating data from several distribution centers and from companies that Global Foods recently acquired. The reasons for your difficulties:

• a variety of hardware/operating system environments
• a lack of people cross-trained in the various environments
• a large backlog of outstanding user requests in each data center

Global's goal
You said that you could provide a company-wide information system if it were possible for you to

• make data in different locations available to all locations
• make that data available to users
• keep existing key applications.

How can Continental Computer help you?
You agreed to let Continental prove that we can give you those capabilities. You also said that, if we demonstrate that Continental can meet your needs, you would introduce us to Jack Lanham, your VP of Finance. I understand that Jack is not happy with current inventory cost controls.

May we show you how we can help?
I have arranged with Robert McCarthy, our local consultant, to demonstrate our capabilities to you. We propose the following timing:

Date: January 15
Time: 2 p.m.
Place: our office (map enclosed)

Suggested next steps
I'll call soon to see if you can attend our demonstration. I am confident you will like what you see and will want to introduce us to the rest of your organization.

Best regards,

Barbara Watson

Barbara Watson

Notes

Informative subject line

This subject line explains exactly why the reader should care about this message. It focuses on solving the reader's problems.

Focus on the reader

"You" language helps the writer connect with the readers and motivates them to continue reading.

Eye-catching headlines

Headlines enable the reader to grasp the message's content and structure at a glance.

Clear explanation of client needs

The bulleted list of critical issues assures the reader that the writer clearly understands the reader's point of view.

Bullets to emphasize key points

The bulleted lists make key points stand out. The reader will be able to find information at a glance.

Emphasis on partnership

References to working together underline the companies' relationship with one another.

Personable tone

The friendly, conversational tone engages the reader. It reflects the writer's desire to work with the reader.

Important details highlighted

The reader will be able to glance at the message and quickly find the information related to the meeting.

Clear next steps

The writer commits to taking action on the issues so the reader isn't left wondering if he's supposed to follow up.

More positive language

The writer explains the issues without assigning blame. She focuses on the solutions.