Mr. Andrew Carter
Best Manufacturing Company
1880 Industrial Road
Littleton, IA 50300

Dear Andrew:

Following up our conversation, enclosed is a booklet on Fintron that highlights the basic points that we discussed. These include: a brief background description of the firm and current ownership and management; investment services; resumes of individuals who might be involved in managing the account; fee schedule; and investment results.

Preceding the investment results are fact sheets on asset-based loans, including information on international bonds, fixed income management (given that Best's portfolio is currently heavily weighted in this direction), and growth and income equity results. You had expressed some interest in these areas as well.

As part of your team, we can support Best Manufacturing in any or all of the above areas. We offer loans ranging between $1 million and $15 million, so we can meet your needs specifically. In addition, you can get quick loan approval and attractively structured, secure lines. All of the above can help you fulfill your long-range strategic plans, as you shared with me.

Thank you for your inquiry and for sending along the Annual Report of Best Manufacturing Company. If you have any questions or need additional information, please feel free to call me at ext. 2354.

Sincerely,

C. D. Hernandez

C. D. Hernandez
Vice President

Notes

No subject line

Omitting the subject line decreases the likelihood that your reader will read your message; he will have no idea what the message is about.

Lengthy sentence

Shorter sentences are more conversational and easier for your reader to understand quickly. Sentences in business writing shouldn't be longer than 20 words.

Focus on writer instead of on reader

The writer focuses on his firm's services rather than on the reader's needs.

Buried bottom line

The benefits that the writer's firm can offer the reader are buried towards the end of the message. The message would be more persuasive if the benefits stood out.

No visual design to help the reader

With no headlines labeling content, the reader must read every word of the text. If both parties need to discuss the message, it will be awkward to refer to information.

Next steps unclear

The reader could be confused about the next steps. The writer should clearly state that he will take responsibility for following up with the reader.

Mr. Andrew Carter
Best Manufacturing Company
1880 Industrial Road
Littleton, IA 50300

Dear Andrew:

Subject: Choosing a financial partner who's right for you
Talking with you yesterday was a pleasure-thank you for calling Fintron and for sending your annual report. We are impressed with Best Manufacturing and hope you will choose us as your financial partners.

You asked about our asset-based loans
As you requested, I'm enclosing the fact sheets on accounts receivable, inventory, and equipment-based loans. You'll also find information on three other areas of interest to you:

1. international bonds
2. fixed income management
3. growth and income equity results

Helping you reach your goals
As part of your team, we can support Best Manufacturing in any or all of the above areas. We offer loans ranging between $1 million and $15 million, so we can meet your needs as you grow. In addition, you can get

• quick loan approval
• attractively structured, secured lines.

Why go with Fintron?
The enclosed information shows why Fintron can serve you expertly, dependably, and reasonably. It includes

1. our investment results
2. a history of Fintron, its current ownership, and its management
3. an outline of our financial services
4. resumés of Fintron staff who may work with you
5. a breakdown of our fees.

Suggested next steps
Once you and your committee have reviewed our materials, I'd be happy to meet with you. After May 1, I'll call to hear your thoughts and to schedule a meeting.

If you have questions in the meantime, please call me at ext. 2345. Thank you again for considering Fintron.

Sincerely,

C. D. Hernandez

C. D. Hernandez
Vice President

Notes

Informative, positive subject line

This solution-oriented subject line explains exactly why the reader should care about this message.

Focus on reader

"You" language helps the writer connectwith the readers and motivates them to continue reading.

Positive tone

The writer presents information in a straightforward way, focusing on benefits and reaching goals.

Emphasis on partnership

References to working together underline the companies' relationship with one another.

Bullets and numbers for emphasis and easy reference

Should the two parties need to discuss this message over the phone, it will be easy for them to navigate through the document.

Eye-catching headlines

Headlines enable the reader to grasp the message's content and structure at a glance.

Good visual design and use of white space

Bold headlines, bullets and numbers, and white space all help important points stand out so the reader can find information easily. Dense text is much harder to read.