Before & After: Sales email

Which before and after sample do you prefer? Which would you rather read?
Click on the “before” and “after” buttons below to see our notes on the particular points of each letter.

October 5, 2020

Mr. Frank Barnes
Director, IT
Global Foods

Dear Mr. Barnes,

Thank you for arranging yesterday’s meeting. I trust it was time well spent for both Global Foods and Continental Computer. We believe Continental Computer can provide the data integration capabilities.

Your current arrangement of multiple hardware/operating system environments makes it difficult to integrate data from several distribution centers and from companies that Global Foods recently acquired. Your staff does not know how to use the various systems. Thus you cannot make data from different location available to each other, or even make the data available to users. The data centers all operate with a large backlog of outstanding user requests. Instituting a cloud system (without changing existing key applications) would solve your current problems.

Based on my knowledge to date, I would like to suggest a demonstration and options for further exploration of Continental Computer. If convenient, Robert McCarthy, our local consultant, can conduct this demonstration at our headquarters at 2 p.m. on December 16. It might be useful for Jack Lanham, your VP of Finance, to attend the meeting. Our understanding is that he is not happy with current inventory cost controls.

Please cal me next week to let me know if you can attend our demonstration.

Sincerely,

Barbara Watson

October 5, 2020

Mr. Frank Barnes
Director, IT
Global Foods

Subject: Achieving your goal of an integrated platform: a cloud solution for Global Foods

Hi Frank:

It was a pleasure talking with you on the phone today. Thank you for your interest in Continental Computer. We are eager to help you achieve your goal of an integrated, easy-to-use information system.

Your needs as we understand them
You need to integrate data from multiple distribution centers and companies that Global Foods recently acquired. You would like to replace the variety of hardware/operating systems with one that
• is simple to use
• make data available to all users in all locations
• eliminates the large backlog of outstanding user requests
• keeps existing key applications

Recommended solution: a cloud operating system
We can work with your IT department to transfer information from your multiple data centers to one internal cloud network. Robert McCarthy, our local consultant, will conduct a pilot demonstration to show you how efficient a cloud-based platform will be.

Suggested next steps–scheduling your demonstration
We would be delighted if you and Jack Lanham could attend a demonstration of our services on December 16 at 2 p.m. at our headquarters. You mentioned that Jack is not happy with current inventory cost controls; we could address this issue during the demonstration. Please let me know if
1. our proposed time works for you both
2. you have any further questions.

I will call you early next week to confirm. Again, thank you for considering Continental Computer.

Best regards,

Barbara Watson